I learned one approach to small talk from some highly polished rules and techniques from some intensely dedicated, grand experts in a kingdom of such experts, the Protestant rural Midwest. There I saw some brilliant people putting about the most mental energy I ever saw into just small talk!
The first point is, the people don't want to be alone and, instead, want to be in groups and, there, talking.
The second point is, with rare exceptions, it is inappropriate, a social mistake, to talk about anything important, to communicate anything like information, to accomplish anything or make any progress in the small talk, or, horrors, to say anything at all controversial or even very personal. So, necessarily an instance of small talk has to be short.
The third point is, use a lot of mental energy to keep with the first two points while not obviously doing so, and there can be intense competition here. E.g., need ways to end an instance of small talk that threatens to violate the rules.
There can be some gender differences: (1) The women prefer to talk about people. When talking about other people, that can be gossip. When talking about each other, that is usually about feelings. (2) Men prefer to exchange information, mostly about things.
So, a Midwest church social can partition into (1) the women talking about their own feelings or gossip about other people and (2) the men talking about things and exchanging information. So, small talk between a man and a woman will be awkward and generally constrained.
At the start of a small talk instance there can be a lot of use of just stock phrases, e.g., about the weather, and often the instance soon ends.
That's what I saw in the US Midwest!
So, a first mistake in trying to understand such small talk is to try to find ways to make the instance interesting, productive, significant, meaningful, engaging, etc. NO!!!! Nearly all of that is deliberately forbidden by the first two points!!!
The first point is, the people don't want to be alone and, instead, want to be in groups and, there, talking.
The second point is, with rare exceptions, it is inappropriate, a social mistake, to talk about anything important, to communicate anything like information, to accomplish anything or make any progress in the small talk, or, horrors, to say anything at all controversial or even very personal. So, necessarily an instance of small talk has to be short.
The third point is, use a lot of mental energy to keep with the first two points while not obviously doing so, and there can be intense competition here. E.g., need ways to end an instance of small talk that threatens to violate the rules.
There can be some gender differences: (1) The women prefer to talk about people. When talking about other people, that can be gossip. When talking about each other, that is usually about feelings. (2) Men prefer to exchange information, mostly about things.
So, a Midwest church social can partition into (1) the women talking about their own feelings or gossip about other people and (2) the men talking about things and exchanging information. So, small talk between a man and a woman will be awkward and generally constrained.
At the start of a small talk instance there can be a lot of use of just stock phrases, e.g., about the weather, and often the instance soon ends.
That's what I saw in the US Midwest!
So, a first mistake in trying to understand such small talk is to try to find ways to make the instance interesting, productive, significant, meaningful, engaging, etc. NO!!!! Nearly all of that is deliberately forbidden by the first two points!!!