I’m gonna give you an answer that might not work for you, but I think it’s worth trying. Basically, with small talk, all you have to do is say SOMETHING. In many situations, people just want to BE talking, they’re not looking for something to talk about. That’s the first thing to know and trust. It doesn’t matter what you say (within reason). Once you know that, all you need is material.
Here’s my weird process. Practice free association. Basically, look at something in your surroundings. Say it aloud — “bench”. Say the FIRST word that pops into your head — “wood”. Now the first after that — “grain”. Keep going as fast as you are able, and go as long as you feel comfortable. It’s important to say it out LOUD — you might look like a bit of a crazy person practicing, but it builds your confidence in your own voice.
Now, when you’re headed to an event where you’ll want to make small talk, or even if you’re bored walking to work, practice this in your head. “Bus” — “driver” — “Ryan gosling” — “goose down” — doesn’t matter how goofy it is, just keep the chain going. In fact, goofier is better!
Now, when you feel the need to make small talk — and I mean make, not just respond to someone else — you play this game. Engage with your surroundings, with the person you’re talking to, and with what they’ve said. Take a moment and practice a little association. The first thing you think to say out loud to them (within reason, of course), go for it.
This works, I’ve found, much better for introverts than for extroverts — and no, extroverts are not all naturally social butterflies. This method is good for people who really just struggle with the mechanics of small talk.
As far as responding goes — responding is the easiest thing in the world, because you just need to keep engaging with what they’re saying! Doesn’t matter if it’s boring or inconsequential. Ask a question. Mention a similar experience you had.
I really recommend the classic How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie — 80 or something years old, and still a wonderful book on how to, basically, be someone people want to talk to and enjoy your time talking to people.
Here’s my weird process. Practice free association. Basically, look at something in your surroundings. Say it aloud — “bench”. Say the FIRST word that pops into your head — “wood”. Now the first after that — “grain”. Keep going as fast as you are able, and go as long as you feel comfortable. It’s important to say it out LOUD — you might look like a bit of a crazy person practicing, but it builds your confidence in your own voice.
Now, when you’re headed to an event where you’ll want to make small talk, or even if you’re bored walking to work, practice this in your head. “Bus” — “driver” — “Ryan gosling” — “goose down” — doesn’t matter how goofy it is, just keep the chain going. In fact, goofier is better!
Now, when you feel the need to make small talk — and I mean make, not just respond to someone else — you play this game. Engage with your surroundings, with the person you’re talking to, and with what they’ve said. Take a moment and practice a little association. The first thing you think to say out loud to them (within reason, of course), go for it.
This works, I’ve found, much better for introverts than for extroverts — and no, extroverts are not all naturally social butterflies. This method is good for people who really just struggle with the mechanics of small talk.
As far as responding goes — responding is the easiest thing in the world, because you just need to keep engaging with what they’re saying! Doesn’t matter if it’s boring or inconsequential. Ask a question. Mention a similar experience you had.
I really recommend the classic How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie — 80 or something years old, and still a wonderful book on how to, basically, be someone people want to talk to and enjoy your time talking to people.